All the windows are open and the fresh air is blowing through the house. I am convinced fresh air makes everything better. Just cleaned the house, threw in a load of laundry, and waiting for Matt's fam to arrive. We are having a BBQ today and we get to use the new grill we got for a wedding present. This is the first time we have used our deck since we moved in. It is a good day!

I love our new place. The walls are still bare and we still have no curtains but the creative juices are flowing and
I can't wait to get my hands on some nice interior decorations. Our TV broke the other day, but whatev, who needs a TV anyways? ..but I do miss The Office...

I ran out of gas in the driveway the other day. Convenient that I ran out of gas in the driveway but inconvenient because I had to go to the post office. So I ended up walking there, which was better than driving anyways. On my way home I passed a cemetery. It was one of those days where I had been inside all day, and it was sunny outside with a breeze, and Matt wasn't going to be home for a few hours so I took the left hand turn that led me inside. I found a huge oak to sit under. I don't know if you have ever gone to cemetery to find some peace but I have many times. Maybe I would think it was creepy too if it didn't work every time! It was so beautiful and peaceful. It helped me collect my thoughts on a number of things...I don't think there is a time when I'm not thinking about something.

Lately I have been wrestling. Do I love just because I want to be loved in return? Do I serve just to get that pat on the back? Do I want to humble myself just so I can be exalted? Even though I have been offended by Him, broken by Him, crushed by Him, I have never walked away just always stayed and wrestled.

But I am coming to this place where now...I see that He is extremely wise and my own ignorance has been exposed. He only hides us to prune us, he only crushes because He wants to pour us out. So our wine will be sweet. So our aroma will be fragrant. He is patient beyond words. The cup He offered me has been filled with many of my tears because I chose to drink it. Because my calling in Him is not comfortably but my calling in Him is self-sacrifice, and the process is to be pruned, crushed, poured out only to start the process again. Each time my wine will be sweeter, my aroma more fragrant, my heart more broken, but not the kind of brokenness that leads to death but to life.
There was a time when I thought He was holding out on me...but now I think that this was just all so I could be more. Maybe more like Him, for He withholds no good thing from us! He is not a mixture of good and bad, dark and light, He is a pure being. He is only good.

BTW pray for the Rifqa Bary case!!!

This Place

What if I have been wrong this whole time?
Do you want me to change?
What if my fear always holds me back?
Does this all have an end to it?
Where are we going?
Is there any purpose to all this?
What are we doing?
Am I even heading the right way?
Am I going to work there forever?
What if I hate it?
What if they hate me?
What if all my potential goes unrealized?
Or what if only half of my potential is realized...
What if I never make it there?
Maybe I had it wrong the whole time.
Am I becoming anything?
Why am I the way I am?
Am I too complicated?
I wish I were smarter.
I'm not sure if I am good enough...

This journey can bring us so many reeling questions at times. At points it's hard to see through them or get past them. This season quiets me. I do not feel a need to talk that much at all or explain myself, or explain what God is doing in me. Wresting, struggling, processing, trusting resting, without being able to see where we are going.

On another note, for those of you who may be curious, married life is great :)
Nothing comes close to beating it...however, it is not easy, but nothing worth having is easy.