Stray Thoughts

I have been meaning to write a new post for a while now. It's just that sometimes I have so much to say I don't know where to begin or sometimes I feel like I have nothing to share. Wedding planning is going good, school is ok. I just think I need to be still. I keep trying to move...my heart doesn't want to wait for Him.

I feel like I am entering into something new. Although if you asked me what it was I would not be able to tell you...but I feel as though my inner person is changing...not in a bad way, it's becoming softer or something. no one would notice just looking at me or being around me but I notice something rustling inside of me ever so quietly. I have been wondering what it is. I think it has to do with him. I know he is helping me become who I am supposed to be. So thank you, I don't say it to you enough.

I often find myself waiting for life to change but I am thinking it's not life that needs changing it's me. If I became more outwardly focused instead of making it all about me sometimes, if I focused on serving others, something inside me would fill up. Why am I afraid of being too soft? Because I don't want to be looked down upon, trampled on, taken advantage of...

I also know that it should not be feelings first then actions but actions and then feelings. Feelings will be the fruit of your actions. I heard yesterday, "don't follow your heart, lead it." It really spoke to me...I need a spirit of discipline and consistency and then my feelings will follow.
I haven't been doing good at loving Him lately...I think it's because I have swayed from letting Him love me. I struggle with letting Him love me in my sin and when I mess up, I pull away from Him, I need to learn how to let Him love me even in that place.

I do get scared about where my life will end up...if I will fall short of what I am meant to become...whatever that is...but I am being taught again that circumstances do not bring happiness or peace, all this is a condition of heart. You will become what you behold. He has been telling me this lately. Explaining to me that humans are like mirrors. We will reflect what we see. Incapable of being independent. We all are leaning on something.
I feel as though these past few years have uncovered what was truly in my heart. The offenses in my mind over the things I could not understand eventually became a stumbling block to my heart.

"A person’s heart is more clearly seen by what they’re willing to embrace without offense, than by their expression of faith only in what they already understand."
-Bill Johnson

I am in this divided place of loving him and the God who created me. There are now two that I would die for, two that I awake thinking of every morning, two that have won my affections, two I serve, two that deserve my time, two that deserve my love and passion. And this division that Paul spoke of is a new thing for me. It is not bad, just new. Even though things may look different between He and I, I suppose nothing has changed. I can feel Him say, "wait." So I will watch and wait while this new part of me is fashioned in the dark, and I will try to avoid those temptations that say "step out into the light and be seen", I just know it's not time yet.