Beautifully Broken

I'm finally settling down for my first night in my mom and I's new apartment. We have moved a lot since I finished high school, this is our third place in four years but I think I'm going to like it here. I'm sitting among many boxes and I definitely do not know where the tissue box is I was looking for earlier, and it took me about two hours to find the lamp that goes in my room but I did find it, and I am picking up someone else's wireless right now because ours is down at the moment. Getting used to a new place can be an adventure. I listen for every new sound and take in every new smell so I can learn to call it home as soon as possible, sometimes it doesn't work, but sometimes it does. All day we had very tall men who I did not know moving our things in and out of our place, it made me dizzy. I frequently made myself disappear a lot today. Our fridge is louder than the last one but I don't mind and I love the high white ceilings and our purple flowery shower curtain and the fact that the washer and dryer are not in the basement anymore... mmm life is too good to me right now :)
My bed is about the only thing set up but I feel like sleeping on the floor tonight and I don't know why-maybe it makes me feel more one with the place, like I'll get to know it faster and better or something.

I went to my grandma's tonight for some good home cookin! mmm It blessed me! I took a walk on the trail behind her house. Alone and quiet. The way i like it sometimes. It was enchanting. As I walked I put my i-pod in, a song by Sean Feucht played, and then I noticed it. I had walked to a part of that trial, surrounded by green trees and leaves, no people anywhere, and floating down from the sky were white tiny seeds. I know they come from some kind of tree. There were so many that the ground was so covered with them it looked like snow and they were still falling by what seems the hundreds just lightly floating through the air. It was magic. I felt like I was in a different world. I stared and stared and stared into the woods. I didn't know else to do. Gratitude swelled within me, Thank you Jesus.... He romances us everyday, we just need eyes to see. An open invitation to fall in love with love Himself. I didn't want to leave. I would have given anything for a horse right about then. I'm totally one of those girls that has a thing for wild horses. Typical maybe but it would be so awesome to be friends with a wild horse one day :)

And you know...as magical as it was there was pain in my heart. In the breath taking beauty of it I could feel the ache of brokenness over the wounds in my life and it hurt. But I left the allurement and captivation of that place feeling broken but feeling so beautiful and put together! It's ok to feel, it's ok to hurt, it's ok to carry beautiful weighty burdens He puts on us, and finding the courage to truly rejoice, smile, and laugh in the pain is truly beautiful and inspiring and it brings Him glory! In His kingdom my pain is my gain, and it make me more colorful, sculpting out deeper places, keeping my heart soft and more compassionate. As I walked away I could almost hear Him whisper a lesson to me. "First, let it shake you, then let it mold you, and ultimately let it make you. Let it make you." In the most difficult times maybe pain is sent to us as a friend and companion because it makes us lean in closer to Him....and become deeper, and more colorful, and more alive, and certainly more beautiful.

I want my heart to be bold. Beautifully surrendered, boldly broken, full of color, and then so very mendible so He can make me barley shakable...fiercely unmovable... into whatever He desires. I want to be beautifully broken. Jesus MAKE me....into a disciple.


"He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed"
-Matthew 21:44


"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise"
-Psalm 51:17



Press into Him until the train of His robe fills the place where you are.