Simple Summer is Almost Over.

So it's here. Time to go back to school. The packing...the goodbyes.... some of my friends are so excited to go back to school and I am too but there is a part of me that always wishes I could stay home a little longer. I like my own room and my own space when I want it. I like my simple life here, my small group of close friends, my daily runs, my small town. There is always an ache in my heart when I have to go back. It's always bittersweet for me. I know that going back to school means leaving mom alone in the house again. Going through the trials of the last couple years have strengthened our relationship and we are so close because of it. I always hate leaving her to this empty house every year. I'm always sad the first couple days of school just for that reason. I think it's unfair that she should have to come home to an empty house every night when wedding vows are supposed to be forever...but life must go on, and I must grow up and go back like I do every year.



This summer overall was challenging physically and spiritually. I started running again at the beginning of the summer and did a pretty good job making it a daily routine. I'm definitely not what I used to be though, haha, I'm still so young but I definitely feel older lately, in other words I'm out of shape compared to the past, lol. The summer was tough spiritually because I'm still sorting through all these emotions. My heart gets so hard and angry towards the Lord sometimes because of some circumstances in my life, it just wares at me certain days. A new hurt from someone in the family, a messed up situation that I can't change, lots of questions. The typical 'Why this' 'why that' questions, the doubting, the places in my heart that DO NOT want to trust Him because of the past, wondering if I'm really going to make anything out of myself one day. Seeing some of my friends and family hurt and I can't do anything about it just hurts me sometimes because all I want to do is fix it so they'll be relieved of their heartache.

Some people in my family are VERY successful, at least in the world's eyes. We are talking about hanging out with celebrities successful here, we're talking about Harvard here. It gets so intimidating sometimes. They don't understand me or my faith, they don't understand why I'm not like them, they don't understand the decisions that I make, and they are not exactly afraid to tell me, which has hurt at times. I keep proclaiming that I am the head and not the tail, but there have been days this summer when I sure don't feel like I'm a conqueror. Can i just be honest? Sometimes I just have to sit back and tell myself that I'm not crazy. I have had a sip of the glamor that commands the world's respect and I gave it up and chose Christ instead. I'm rich in a different way. The kind of prosperity that will never go away, it will always satisfy, and I'll never be lacking. I know this but sometimes discouragement does come and it feels as though my trouble is a circle around me. Can I just be real here? I walk a very real walk with Lord and I'm proud of that. I'm not your stereotypical 'happy well praise the lord anyways' type of christian. I have real pain, raw emotions, and I wrestle and walk it out with a real God, one that can handle my emotions and the only One who can heal my broken soul. I'm not interested in being fake. I long for authenticity and transparency.

But you know, through all the pain, doubts, and questions, my heart still holds on to Him, the One I cannot see, Jesus Christ. My mind is my worst enemy, it tells me to just walk away because it gets hard but my heart just won't. My heart doesn't use logic to try to figure out Truth like my mind does. Love endures ALL things, and through ALL the things that have come against me in my life, the let downs, the broken dreams, the broken heart, my heart keeps hanging on to Him. I can't explain it. It's like my heart just KNOWS something that my mind wrestles with. Pascal said "The heart has reasons of its own that reason cannot comprehend" That quote basically sums up my spiritual walk this summer. Even though I still struggle with some anger and bitterness towards Him...just wanting to know why sometimes, I always ending up settling for God instead of understanding of my circumstances, and when it comes down to it, I'm ok with that.



My heart just keeps hanging on.

So long summer '08