Healing God's Way

Tonight turned out different than I had planned. I wanted to come home from work and have a nice lazy evening that included going for a run, eating dinner, and reading. Instead it was so busy I didn't even have time to eat dinner let alone pick up my book I've been so desperately wanting to read for a while now. Right after I got home from work I went for my run but forgot I had made an obligation to my mom so I came home right from the track and without showering threw on shorts and a tank (still sweating like a man) and ran out the door with her to our destination. Then I came home and right after that I forgot that I promised my best friend I would go to church with her that night. So without any of the down time I had hoped for, or shower mind you, I kept both of my obligations and went off to church with messy hair and hoped I wasn't too stinky. Haha, nobody seemed to notice, I don't think.



Church was good but hard at the same time because it opened my eyes to a couple things that stung a little at first but helped humbled me so much. The first was my own mortality. Somewhere deep inside part of me thinks I'm going to be young like I am now forever. Of course this isn't true, we grow old and we eventually pass away, and the truth is the world IS going to live on without me in it one day. It's true when the bible says our life is only but a vapor. This humbles me so much because Jesus is SO much bigger than me and so much more transcendent than I am. He IS forever, I am but a vapor. Just meditating on that I feel helps me humble my heart before the Lord. Another thing I realized at that alter tonight was that the closer I get to the Lord the more undone I become, the more "untied" I feel. The more I realize...I will NEVER have it all together...and the more I realize maybe I don't want it all together because in our weakness He is strong. This leads me to my next point.



My last blog was about how God's definition of justice and fairness differed from man's definition. The Lord opened my eyes to another definition of mine that differs from His. In my human nature my definition of healing is different than God's definition of healing. I have been absolutely longing for healing to come to pass in my mind, emotions, soul, and spirit, because of the events of the past few years. It's something I have been asking Jesus for for a long time now. Talking with my boyfriend tonight helped me realize several things. And let me just say something quickly before I go into this. WAIT FOR THE MAN GOD HAS FOR YOU. Serious long term relationships with the opposite sex can be very difficult at times. Learning how to love another person the way Jesus would love that person who is so different from you at times is one of the hardest things but one of the best ways for Christ to mold you into someone more like Himself, and it's very worth the struggles and arguments at times. Talking with my long term boyfriend tonight he brought up some really great points and helped me see my situation in a way I hadn't looked at it before. Now let me just say, it's not always like this but I noticed tonight that I am learning. Learning how to not quit when the communicating gets hard, and it does between men and women, but instead re-talking the same phrase through and through using different words trying to get my points across while exercising patience when he doesn't understand and vice versa. I realized that I am learning how to not give up and stop communicating when we don't see eye to eye or we don't understand each other but to exercise patience, self control, and love, the way Jesus would. So humbling, and it definitely always doesn't feel good, and yes, sometimes I fail at this but tonight we pushed through and it was so rewarding. When he didn't understand I wanted to get mad but tried again and re-explained my point and he had to state some things over for me too but we endured with patience out of love tonight and it ended with some great encouragement and advice from him and a wonderful prayer over the phone together.



So back to what I was saying. I was sitting on my kitchen floor tonight leaning up against the cupboard just thinking about somethings that happened in the past and how I had been able to let go of the big tragic events that happened but it was the little grey areas, the little disappointments and let downs that I feel still have a hold on my heart. And I was thinking about the healing I longed for and when it would come and how long it would take and what kind of person I would be when it was all said and done. This whole time that I have been asking Jesus for healing I kept picturing a heart that would be whole, unbroken, a confident woman who wasn't intimidated by life or people...then out of no where the Lord dropped this in my Spirit in a very clear way. I felt like He said something like, "real healing, My healing, doesn't mean that you will be walking in your own strength. quite the contrary, REAL healing means that you will be broken to the point of COMPLETE dependency upon me" Think about this for a minute. I need to be Healed. Everyone needs to be healed by God's definition of healing because God's definition of healing is to turn us into a person that is weaned off of the world and culture that we grew up in and be broken of our own will so that we NEED Him. God's definition of healing actually turns us into a weaker person not a stronger person. However, this is the paradox. Once we become weak to the point where we NEED Him we are actually VERY strong. Once we are broken, we are actually completely whole, by God's definition. God wants to heal ALL of His children for sure, even those who haven't been broken by life's circumstances, but EVERYONE struggles with some sort of a broken heart. We ALL need healing because we are all born into this world and are dependent upon the world at first. We are strong in ourselves at first, our pride tells us that if God doesn't come through plan B will be to rely on ourselves. But God wants to heal us by breaking us to dependency upon Him, helping us get rid of plan B, the way it was SUPPOSED to be. The way we were originally created to function and work. To heal our minds by transforming our thoughts so we NEED the scriptures, so we NEED His presence. We all need this type of healing. This is different than the world's definition of healing. The world's definition is that when you are healed you are stronger person in yourself because you learned how to rely on yourself more, you are stronger and more confident in yourself because you got through your tough times, but God's definition of healing is a complete paradox.



He says let me make you weak, then you will be truly strong. Let me break you, then you will be truly whole. I love this. It's happening to me, every time I scramble to and try and fix another part of me that the Lord exposes that isn't "together." He has been saying lately, "No this is really you, and it's beautiful. I exposed this because I don't want it covered up. Be transparent before me and others and let these imperfections in your life be met and covered by my grace and forgiveness and healing. Your mistakes and failures joined with My grace and forgiveness will come together to testify of my goodness and righteousness, kindness, and love, and of My mercy. It will become a word in your mouth that will testify of my grace"



Something else my boyfriend also brought up tonight that I thought was SO good was that I just need to be obedient to the Lord and the rest will follow. That whatever fruit comes from that obedience is the fruit that comes from it and I shouldn't analyze it to make sure it's good enough or determine that I'm out of the Lord's will if the fruit looks different than what I had planned but just to seek the Lord and be obedient to what He tells me and everything else will follow. Obedience always equals blessing. Obedience is a covering and a place of protection and rest with the Lord and quiet and rest always sound good to me. :-)



Be free



love,

Dea

Holy Vindication: "The More Excellent Way"

The issue of fairness has been popping into my head a lot recently. That's been something I have been longing for in my life for the past three years. Fairness. You see, when something happens to me that is very unfair my human nature kicks in and I yearn for fairness, to be justified for my reeling emotions, to be vindicated, for the score to be fair again, to be brought even. But there are places in my heart that long for people's definition of fairness to come to pass in my life, not God's definition. The world thinks distributing fairness as an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth. If you take something from me I will take something from you. If you hurt me I will hurt you and so on. This is how the world brings about fairness and and their definition of justice. And if I were honest, yes, there are days when I long for this type of fairness to come to pass in my life. That the unfair events that I have suffered in my life and the things and the family that I have lost as a result of someone else's sinful decision made by a person who was supposed to bring protection and direction to the household, yes, there are days when I long to see what my human nature defines as fairness come to pass in my life and when hidden, faint longings of this type arise from a wounded soul and it does not come to pass anger arises, bitterness, and then the shame for feeling that way.



I have realized that one of the reasons why I struggle with anger at times is because I long for fairness to come to pass in my life and other's lives. The world's definition of fairness, the one where every one's playing field is level, the one where every one's score is even, the one where if I was hurt or taken from unjustly then I should be vindicated somehow some way so things are once again "fair." Being forced into child prostitution at the age of 8 while I was running around blowing bubbles and letting my skin get kissed by the sun doesn't seem fair. Growing up in a family that is negative and abusive while one is godly and humble doesn't seem fair. Someone losing their whole family to war, famine, disease, and orphaned while some in other countries receive the best health care, and grew up in the best house with the nicest things....just doesn't register as fair or just on my human radar screen.



Obviously this world is not fair. My mind can tell my heart that life is not fair, that this world will never be fair, but it's true, this is hard for my heart to swallow because of course at times i wish life were fair...but of course I understand this is not the reality, for I have experienced it myself.



Jesus has been prodding this issue in my heart for days now. Exposing some important truths that are helping me heal. If one has a wounded soul and desires healing a part of that healing involves accepting God's definition of fairness as the truth, and the better way, and coming under that authority.



First off thank God Jesus didn't come to earth to bring about our definition of fairness because if He had I would have had to die on that cross too. In my humanness I could never earn God's love and mercy, if God defined fairness the way we do then I would have had to suffer for my sins before a righteous and holy God. By the world's definition this would only be "fair" since we sinned against God and that's what we deserve.



Second, Jesus died a terrible painful death, He was wrongfully accused and rejected by us, men. After a brutal death like that Jesus could have said "Yes I have rose from the dead and overcame. You sinners can now come to me but you must go through what I went through because I did it now you have to do it" He could have been self righteous and bitter about it and could have saved us but not FREED us. This is HUGE. This is perfect humble love. This is a more excellent way than our puny little definitions of fairness.



Jesus didn't just flip the world upside down, or bend the rules a little, he SHATTERED human thinking as we know it, He TORE the veil, ripped everything up, set a new world order. If one wants to find peace and healing one has to accept and come under the authority of Jesus' new world order that took effect when He rose from the dead, when He overcame the grave.



You see if I were to pave my own way to healing I would say "Lord vindicate me" and I would expect the Lord the vindicate me. Yup, give me my house back, my car back, my family back, the pieces of my heart back, and even more but Jesus says not just to me but to everyone who is hurting and has been wronged unjustly "let me show you a more excellent way."



What Jesus means by this "more excellent way" is to let go of seeking and longing for the world's definition of fairness but to accept and come under authority of His definition of fairness, the more excellent way is love. When you are wronged unfairly, unjustly, Jesus says forgive and love. Isaiah describes Jesus to be a man who knew pain and many sorrows but there is no bitterness in Him towards us, the people who caused Him that pain and sorrow. Unbelievable.



The world's definition of fairness leaves no room for mercy, love, or forgiveness. There is no solution in that definition. People who have been hurt, unfairly hurt, seek to take revenge on the person or people who hurt them, spawning hate, spawning war, and so the cycle goes. Jesus came to stop this cycle in the world. He came to show us a "more excellent way."



He is teaching me that yes, He truly is the vindicator in my life and I NEED to trust Him in that, but He is going to do it using a more excellent way than carrying out my definition of justice in my situation. I bring my heart in pieces to Jesus where I have been unfairly wronged, I have been unfairly wounded, and that's where Jesus quietly and gently steps in and teaches me a more excellent way. To seek after and accept His definition of fairness instead of my own. To forgive where I have been stolen from and to love where I have been unfairly wronged.



I take a lot of comfort in the fact that Jesus set an example for me. That He was wronged unjustly, He was betrayed unfairly, He was killed as an innocent. Yet He overcame with a more excellent way. Love.



Forgiving and letting go will release a person from bitterness and anger. Replacing Jesus' definition of fairness in my life with my own is beginning to bring about healing and ultimately freedom in my heart.



Let freedom ring for there is a more excellent way, Jesus' love.

Great Friends = Great Remedies For a Wounded Soul

So much on my mind but let me start with this. Authentic fellowship can be a soothing antiseptic for a hurting soul. This past weekend was one of the best weekends I've had in a while. Not because I traveled to a grand location or I got to reunite with some long lost friends but simply because I enjoyed some authentic fellowship and I was SO blessed by it. My mom went out of town for the weekend and one of my best friends came to stay with me. This weekend consisted of shoveling a dead squirrel out of the drive way at 1 in the morning, going to see a great movie at the theater, staying up until 5 in the morning not talking about anything in particular and watching news bloopers and dogs walking in booties on youtube (very entertaining I highly recommend it), waking up at 1 in the afternoon and sharing a convo about the dreams we had and of course don't forget baking cookies and forgetting to add the flour which resulted in scrapping off the burnt crusted layer of cookie soup off the pan for about an hour. This weekend transported me back several years to a time when we were much younger and the world much simpler and as friends we would do nothing at all and have a blast doing it.

I look back on this weekend and it was such a blessing, it left me feeling so refreshed. Not because we sat around and had deep convo's and talked about some of the burdens on our hearts (although I love that type of remedy too) but because we shared authentic fellowship with one another. Just hanging out with someone who knows you have burdens and pain but just is there to BE with you. A lot of people search their whole lives for friends that are authentic. Friends that won't leave you when times get tough and who won't stab you in the back but truly love you for who you are. That's something I have in my life and something that I truly view as a gift from God. Authentic fellowship has healing power within it I'm sure of it, and I'm sure that God created it to be that way.

We were created to need each other, to need encouragement, to need people speaking life into us, to help pull and push us in our walks, to learn from each other, but of course a balance must be found. The Holy Spirit must help us walk the line between loving and serving the God of the universe and the people He has placed in our lives. A tricky balance to be learned and walked out at times but I am experiencing now both God and people are necessary to help bring healing to heart that needs it. Healing to a heart like mine.